Pride, trust, and God.

Pride.
Everyone has it, whether it be the most successful person in the world or the homeless man on the street.
I pride myself in many things.
Being the best friend, daughter, and sister anyone could have.
Always smelling nice (one of my quirker prides... Don't judge).
Being the person someone can always count on.
Being trustworthy.

Like every human being, I have my many fair share of faults and character flaws.
Unfortunately, one of those is being prideful to the point where I can't admit when I'm wrong.
Whether it be in a fight with a friend or with myself, especially when I've been hurt.
One of the things I've learned is that sometimes, even when it's absolutely unbearable, kicking your pride to the curb is the best thing.
I've done that with a couple relationships and it seems to have worked in my favor and it wasn't as bad as I had made it out to be in my head.

But, the one person I can't seem to do that with is God.
It's very silly, I know.
I have just had so many things happen in the past 5 years that it's been hard to catch my breath.
The rug has been pulled from underneath me multiple times and sometimes it seems like once the dust has settled on one problem, another one has arisen.
Through it all, I have learned to only rely on myself.
And since I don't feel I can truly rely on others, I make sure to be that person for everyone else in my life because no one really has been in mine.

Another thing I really struggle with is trust.
I do trust people, but the list is rather short.
I pride myself in being trustworthy and having people instill their trust in me.
If I find out someone doesn't trust me, depending on the person, I do whatever it takes to gain that trust back.
I wish I could say God is at the top of the list of people I trust, but unfortunately, that is not the case.
I have such a hard time trusting people, especially when things go badly.
I want more than anything in the world to have complete trust and faith in God, but that is one of the biggest things I struggle with as a Christian.

It's really made me doubt my faith over the past 2 years. I can't seem to get over that hurdle of putting my complete trust in God. Knowing that He'll take care of me and everyone else... I've gotten to the point of being lukewarm; a point in life no Christian wants to be in.

It's like spiritual limbo. One moment, I'm on fire for the Lord and can see all the great things I've been blessed with. Then the next moment, I'm a crying ball of mess that wants to turn my back on the only consistent thing in my life. 

If I can't even trust in the one entity that evolves around my religion, then what in the world am I doing with my life?